Day #235: Sharknado (2013)

Synopsis:

[From IMDb:] When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.

My take:

Normally, this would be a post about a class horror movie, but it’s been a long-arse day and my brain no worky. And what goes well with a brain that no worky? A movie that requires no brain…workyness.

I think, in tune with this approach to this post, I’m going to go for more of an ‘ongoing experience’ style of accounting for my viewing of this movie, rather than an overview. Think of it as live-tweeting, except it’s neither tweeting nor live.

5 minutes in:

I…can’t believe I’m surprised by the bad CGI effects. It is SyFy, after all.

15 minutes in:

1. I already know that this is irrelevant, but THAT’S NOT HOW SHARKS WORK. Also!

2. Why did some fully dressed guy come out of the water with attack wounds?

3. What does it even mean when Ian Ziering is your most credible actor? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

30 minutes in:

I think this movie just broke physics, or created a time/space paradox, or something, because there are apparently sharks under driving cars and people in danger from fully submerged sharks as they stand in not-even-ankle-deep water.

Also, I feel like seeing a car being washed off the highway should have brought about something more emotionally-charged than a “man, this traffic sure does suck”-level frown.

37 minutes in:

I just watched people fight a shark off with a bookcase, and I was feeling oddly complacent and almost like I was enjoying myself, right up until one of the stupid guys made a period joke. Now I want to punch everyone in the face again.

40 minutes in:

It just started storming here, after a bright and sunny day. Any shark that makes it as far as my property (which is at least an hour’s drive from a coastal point) has well and truly earned anything it eats.

43 minutes in:

There was a loud crack of thunder, and now I don’t know what’s going on in the movie. These two things are probably not at all related.

10 minutes since it started raining:

Captain’s Log: If the logic of Sharknado applies, I think it’s now rained enough that sharks must be circling the house.

Also, there was just a sharknado and a car that exploded for no reason whatsoever. Okay then.

15 minutes since it started raining:

Sorry, America. Hummers are both ugly and obnoxious.

20 minutes since it started raining:

I was legitimately concerned they were going to replace their stupid hummer with an even more stupid plane.

I also think it’s legitimately rained more here in the last 20 minutes than in the entirety of this movie. No shark sightings yet, though.

30 minutes since it started raining:

Silly me, they’re using a helicopter and bombs instead of the hummer. A plane would have been too impractical.

34 minutes since it started raining:

Finally! Deaths I can laugh at!

35 minutes since it started raining:

WATER DOESN’T EXPL-oh I give up.

1 hour + 18 minutes in:

The rain has stopped! Death has, presumably, been evaded. For now.

1 hour + 22 minutes in:

FINALLY, THE CHAINSAW!

Fin:

How could I have ever doubted that this was anything but the greatest movie ever made? Oscars for everyone.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Day #235: Sharknado (2013)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s