[From IMDb:] Five women are stalked by an unknown assailant while preparing for Valentine’s Day.
I feel like Valentine is basically the movie where some TV stars’ movie careers went to die*, while some horror movie perennials…continued to do exactly what they’ve always done.
Everything about the movie is just so meh. It feels more like a relationship drama than a horror/slasher – and not even a particularly good one. There’s no drama, no tension, no comedy…nothing except some exceptionally boring dialogue between some uninteresting characters, and one of the most obvious killers in a long time.
At the time it came out I assumed that David Boreanaz was desperate to break into the movie scene (although IMDb now tells me he was in a few things before this, so whaddaya know); but now I wonder if Jessica Capshaw was the most obvious example of that, because I can’t think of another reason why she’d agree to play the ‘insecure former fat girl’ of the cast. Either way, they were both worth more than this movie.
What makes it all even worse though, is that this was clearly a movie written like a teenage slasher, despite being populated with characters who are at least in their mid-20’s. Even as someone who doesn’t think that aging necessarily equals maturing, the disconnect between these characters and the tone of the movie is just jarring.
The only character in this movie worth a damn was played by Hedy Burress, who at least seemed to be having some fun with the jilted bitchiness of her character. Everyone else was just way too boring.
Say what you will about teen slasher movies, but if this is what non-teen slasher movies are like…I know what I’d stick with.
* Except for Katherine Heigl, who has clearly done some serious animal sacrifice kind of shit to get herself an ongoing career