Day #152: Elves (1989)

Elves-1989

Elves (1989)

Synopsis:

[From IMDb:] A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen.

My take:

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. It’s time for Christmas-themed horror movies! Yeeaaahhh.

And, as I’m sure you can tell from that synopsis, we’re starting with a doozy.

Technically speaking, the elf (singular, not multiple) is the bad guy in this movie, but the only person in this movie who seems to retain any kind of innocence is Mike McGavin, played by a guy named Dan Haggerty, who apparently tamed bears. Unfortunately, there are no bears in this movie (always a negative). Instead, we have anti-Christmas teenage girls who seem to think that a department store is a great place to lose their virginity; incestuous Nazis and their murderous friends; younger brothers who like to perv on their sister and threaten to tell everyone that he saw her boobs, and a cat murdering mother.

In other words, everything about this movie is fucked up.

The elf appears to be a puppet with barely any articulation and a static facial expression, so it’s, uh, not exactly scary. But it somehow manages to waddle around enough to wrack up a few deaths. I’m not entirely sure why, but I am pretty sure it doesn’t really matter. Elves, nazis, incest, yada yada yada.

Everything about this movie is terrible. By which I mean that it’s so ridiculous that I can’t believe it isn’t one of everyone’s favourite Christmas movies.

(Actually, yes I can.)

If the plan was to create a superior race by breeding the result of inter-generational incest with these…

elves-1989-nazi-elf

…I certainly don’t think there was a lot of thought put into it.

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